Yesterday was pregnancy loss and rememberance day. I didn't even know such a day existed but as I read several bloggers, I quickly became aware of it. Bloggers invited their readers to comment on their own experiences and how God has brought them through it. I wept as I read these stories, recalling the pain of our miscarriage two years ago. I probably shouldn't have read these stories though....I struggle with fear. Fear that our baby will not make it...that something will go wrong with the delivery...that something will go terribly wrong in those first few weeks, months. I struggle with fear that Abby will be taken from us. I never thought I would be a mom like that. I know that God is sovereign and His plan is completely perfect and yet, I feel like I couldn't bare to go through something like this. I know intellectually that His grace would sustain me but honestly, don't want to know it experientally. Recently, I have been fearful over the H1N1 illness. As a mom, I feel so different about things than before Abby. I was reading Psalm 4 the other day and was struck by this verse "In peace, I will both lie down and sleep, for You alone, O Lord, make me to dwell in safety ". Nothing can provide me the safety I desire except the Lord. No government, no vaccine, no money, no guns, etc.
This morning, I had to remind myself of the same verse. I was realizing what a tight hold I have on my daughter and unborn son. I need to "let them go" before the Lord, knowing their protection is in His control. My prayer is that God will help me let go of my own need for control and completely trust in Him; not 80%, 90% or even 99% but 100%.
God help me! for just when I had finished this prayer, my husband came home to tell me of a 12 year- old girl in the valley here who died this morning of H1N1. It was super fast, without warning and will probably paralyze our small community here with fear. I can even trace personal contact from our family via others back to this girl's family within the past week. Oh Lord, that my trust remains in You and You alone!!